That’s the first word that came to mind when starting this post. Is that normal? For me, lately, it is. At least, every time I slow down enough to feel the discomfort of hiding from the truth that is trying to be heard.
This truth within me is something I can sense but am not ready to feel yet. It’s too big, will require too much courage, trust, and conviction… so instead of allowing it to surface, I bury it with disbelief and strategies and plans that will just get me farther along on the path I am already on.
I seem to be in a five-year repeating cycle. Where I am moved to great measure to create something with clarity guiding me for 18 months and then settle into a happy flow, only to find myself a few years later slowly but surely returning to a place of discontentment and courage-requiring evolution.
Gah! Make it stop! But it won’t. It can’t, as nature itself requires rebirth every 12 months. It’s within us, it’s part of us, and I must accept that.
You see, these feelings -- the ups and downs, confusion, dread, lethargy, lying to myself (I am so good at that!) -- mean you are in the deep throes of transformation. This is how it feels. Painful, scary, daunting, wishing it would leave you alone. But great things don’t emerge smoothly, they rupture the old in a way that’s so dramatic only a new world, a clean slate, remains.
Step by step, choice by choice, I am getting closer to my own actualization. Our move to North Carolina has created a space for my energy to heal and my family to thrive. Leaving corporate to start Collective Gain has been a humbling and miracle-filled experience. Letting go of judgments and following my instincts unraveled the most amazing love story, building my trust that what I need will find me. Our stories are long, complex, and brilliant. Each stage of life giving us what we need for the next.
Life builds upon itself, year after year, decade after decade, and those of us who can be in pain the longest lose. Those of us who have decided life is just hard and painful never get to see that where we are is just a stepping stone to what is being created for us. I am a true optimist, a romantic, a risk taker… I lean all in when I allow myself to be guided by the truth life is leading me to see. And it has paid off in the most fabulous, life-awakening experiences. I am so grateful for those times when I had the courage to listen and act.
So instead of losing hope, and believing this is how it is, I hold on with my fingernails on the edge of transformation… steep up the cliff of change and awakening… knowing that at some point I’ll see what is trying to get through.
To support myself in this uncomfortable, aggravating time, I am doing all the things I would tell you to do. I am seeing my coach, working with intuitives, taking long walks, enjoying soaks in the bath, disrupting my routine to see what may emerge, receiving energy healings, diving into human design to see what ancient knowledge surfaces for me and allowing myself to give up on having the answer. To not fight the pain, but nurture it and coax out the truth in a more gentle way that’s easier to hear.
The best things that could ever happen to you often start with pain, and sometimes lots of it. With an uncomfortableness that has us wanting to run away and hide. Responding often requires an unpopular decision, perhaps one others don’t understand. And right there, in that moment, we become ourselves. Rebels in a fight against our own perpetual winter.
May we have the courage to be with ourselves through all of it. To understand that our story, our unique life story, is what makes it all worth it. To know your moments of transformation and to share mine is how we find our way -- through each other and with each other.
I would like to hear your story of transformation, truth and change. No matter where you are on your journey: on an upswing of joy and fulfillment, or in the despair of not knowing exactly who or where you’re meant to be.
If you feel the call to share your story, please submit your information here (it can be anonymous), and we’ll set up a time to talk, record, and share. If you feel you have nothing to share, you’re the person I most want to talk to. Your life is full of color, interest and story… Let's capture it and celebrate it.
These stories may be shared with the Collective Gain community in an effort to inspire, comfort and expand our understanding of each other. Your story can be anonymous (we can even change your voice if you’d like) or attributed, but either way, it’ll be yours. I will be there to listen, be in awe, and help you tell us about moments in your magnificent life.